Dear Creepy Women at the Gym…

We have a problem. No matter what time of day I go, no matter where in the locker room I disrobe, no matter where I avert my eyes, a trip to the locker room usually ends in some sort of emotional scarring because of you.

Now, I have no problem with nudity. I’m not going to judge you whether you look like Jessica Alba or the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. That’s what a locker room is: a place where you can change out of your smelly clothes that captured all of your nastiness when you were unleashing hell on the elliptical machine, without judgment. What I do have a problem with is the fact that I’ve seen some crazy shit.

So in order for us to coexist in the locker room, I’m issuing an official decry to the women at the North Hollywood Bally Total Fitness. Well, half of the women who go there already are on the up and up, but the other half — who probably don’t read anyway — need to learn a little something about how the locker room is supposed to go:

1. Hey lady who stands naked in the mirror rubbing your breasts for literally 20 minutes with some magic solution: That lotion crap isn’t going to make your boobs bigger and it won’t prevent breast cancer. Why don’t you go run on the treadmill for those 20 minutes or work on your pectoral muscles instead of flopping your boobs around and around in a circular motion.

2. This Bally’s has a gigantic locker room, with hundreds of lockers. I mean bigger than my relatively spacious apartment. That means that when I’m trying to get undressed after a nasty, crazy awesome workout, don’t you AND your friend crowd up on both sides of me, yelling at each other through my weave to set up your lockers. It’s one thing if your already threw your stuff in the lockers around me, but if you freaking CHOOSE to plop down next to my naked behind, then you’re an idiot.

2a. In fact, when choosing a locker, why don’t you look around at the lockers with locks on them and stay away from those. It’s like Murphy’s Law: if you pick the empty locker with 5 occupied lockers surrounding it, when you’re done with your workout, the other 5 women will be standing around in 3 square feet of space. May sound kinky, but it couldn’t be further from it.

3. Stop hocking loogies in the shower. I mean if you’re going to do it, be discreet about it. I know some people can’t help but cough up whatever has been sitting in your throat for the past 24 hours, but you don’t have to carry on forever as through you’ve got Mama Cass and her ham sandwich living in your esophagus.

4. Avoid bending over at the waist when you’re bottomless. Seriously. We may live in The Valley, but this is not a porn audition.

5. Yes, I have wonderfully perfect, gigantic boobs. No, you may not stare at them without at least offering dinner first.

6. Once you get out of the shower, the whole goal is to get dressed with some haste. Don’t walk around the locker room making plans for Bingo on Wednesday with your butt cheeks flopping about.

OK that’s it for now. As long as we can agree on these few, simple problems to take head on, we will be able to coexist in the locker room.

Thx
mg

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