The Slackers Guide: Being a Bridesmaid

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There comes a point in your 20s when your friends start getting married for the right reasons, as opposed to the majority of your friends who were getting married early on because they’re unstable/dumb/weird. Eventually, those friends will ask you to be bridesmaids. A lot of those times, you’re going to have to say yes, especially if it’s your cousin who doesn’t have any actual friends and your mom makes you.

Your job as a maid of honor or bridesmaid may differ, depending on the wedding. Some brides will expect you to just show up in your expensive-ass dress the day of the wedding and look pretty, but not so pretty that you’ll outshine her. Other brides will want you there every step of the way, through thick and thin, to be there for her tantrums, and to down Jose Cuervo through the night on those days where she’s having cold feet.

First of all, really consider if you want to be a bridesmaid. Do you really want to shell out one month’s worth of rent on Carol from accounting? Are you and Carol besties or do you have that awkward “TGIF conversation every…single…week? If you’re going to say no, do it sooner rather than later. Nothing ruins a friendship more than being a complete flake and forcing your friend to find a replacement bridesmaid a month before the big day.

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Now there are a lot of things that suck about the bridesmaid thing… like the money part. According to CNN’s hard-hitting coverage, we end up coughing up a $1000, just to wear an overpriced, ugly dress for 6 hours and keep Uncle Frank away from the champagne at the reception.

A Breakdown:

Dress: $210
Alterations: $75
Shoes: $25
Strapless bra: $40
Hair, nails, makeup: $150, including tips
Gas for travel: $75 per trip x 4 trips = $300
Two shower gifts: $35 each
Contribution to shower: $30
Bachelorette party: $75 — $100 (estimated)
Wedding present: $100 (estimated)

Now, there are a few ways to avoid wiping out your credit card to be a good friend, and it involves piping up quickly, and being honest. Tell your soon-to-be-married friend, “Um, dude, ya’ll might be able to afford a $100 per plate reception, but it’s a recession and I have been eating McDonald’s 3 nights a week just so I can pay my car note on my Ford Focus. Can we at least think about a less expensive option of dresses or something? Do we really have to get our hair done at the most expensive salon in the city?” You may also elect someone else in the bridal party to speak up for all of you. Be ready to scream “not it!” at any moment.

Photo by FreeParking

Since you’re pitching in a ton of cash for this shindig already, you’ve also probably thinking about the wedding gift for the couple. How about the bridesmaids get together and get one really nice gift? Or do something nice for them while they’re honeymooning, like pet sit or get them a flask of gin to share on the flight to Tahiti or wherever — with every sip, they’ll think of you.

Honestly, if your bride friend can’t understand that paying off your student loans eat your face every month, then she sucks as a friend. But if she gave you a year in advance to at least save up a little bit for the expenses, she can’t take all of the blame.

Don’t forget that as a bridesmaid or maid of honor, you also have responsibilities. You should probably figure them out as early as possible. You know how women are: we think that other people “just know” what we’re thinking or feeling, so we get pissed off when our bffs don’t “get” that they’d want a 3 day girls weekend in Napa (gag). You don’t have to be assertive and bitchy, but let your friend know when she’s being a douchebag…just be courteous. She’ll likely thank you later, but understand that in the moment she may pout and call you an old hag. And make sure there are plenty of penis toys and inane t-shirts for everyone at the bachelorette party.

Fortunate for you, brides planning thier weddings the second time around aren’t as crazy.

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